Refract

Thursday, March 03, 2005

So many atrocities, both epic and personal. So much sorrow in the world. Two options: turn a blind eye or work to change things. But all of these atrocities repeat, over and over again in the course of human history, in so many different societies. That suggests that it's not cultural, that it's human nature. Perhaps an aberration of human nature, but biologically wired nonetheless. And so how can one hope to ever make a difference?

So much suffering. So little of it need ever happen.

I really want some encouragement... I feel so hopeless. What can anyone do...?


http://img94.exs.cx/my.php?loc=img94&image=35uj.jpg

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http://img98.exs.cx/img98/5610/bed1.jpg http://img98.exs.cx/img98/6976/elevator.jpg (For the story behind these: http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/02/08/abuse.investigation.ap/index.html)

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http://img15.paintedover.com/uploads/15/russiababy.jpg

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http://www.free-image-host.org/images/544996846agentorange4.jpg

[ The above 4 are the results of Agent Orange ]


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http://www.usip.org/events/images/2003/rwanda_genocide.jpg

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http://www-cs-students.stanford.edu/~cale/cs201/pictures/riot.jpg

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http://www.vitrade.com/images/atrocities/dying06.jpg

Monday, February 28, 2005

There was a thread recently on SomethingAwful about relationship lessons that had been learned the hard way. A lot of these won't apply to everyone. Some of them I disagree with. Most of them are generalizations. Most of the posts are also written by guys for guys. But I think there's something to learn from all of them.



Love is being able to say "I don't like everything about you, but I accept everything about you."


-When in a relationship the partner gives you an ultimatum, just walk away. If someone is trying to change you "or else", then they don't really like you for who you are and want to change you.


-Marriage/Relationship Counseling is just a pointless trip. The relationship is doomed, the counseling/talking will just be one big waste of money before the relationship ends. If someone needs to change you should be looking for someone else.

Don't ever believe you're "in love" after three dates. Don't ever believe you "love" her after two months. Don't ever think she's "the only one". Don't ever think she's "worth anything". Don't ever say "i trust her unconditionally". Don't ever think "She'd never do that". Don't say "we'll be together forver". Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER think "Oh but WE'RE different". You're not. You're a statistic, an animal of hideous predictability, a biological study with a 99,999999999% reliability interval, there's nothing you're exempt of and all your worst fears will come to life. Realize all that, and then try and make the best of something ultimately imperfect.


don't assume they'll love you forever, or that you're the 'only one'

you're not the only one, they'll always find someone else they like more than you.



- If something really irritates you about a girl, it will REALLY irritate you once you're in the relationship, and it will FUCKING DRIVE YOU INSANE when you didn't say anything about it at first, and now you're stuck with it. Say something that displeases you first so you don't have to deal with it later. A good example for me is my girl used to chew gum constantly. I hate chewing for some reason, and she stopped for me :^^:. Yeah, kinda lame, but it gives me goosebumps and if I let it stick and then 6 months into it yelled STOP THAT STUPID CHEWING, it'd just create bitterness.



You can not fix other people, and they can not fix you. No one will save your life.



-If you think the other person in the relationship if perfect, flawless and so on, there is something wrong. It is not healthy to view someone like that, there should be error in that person, you want to have some problems. Appreciate them for who they are, not an idealised illusion you have made in your mind. Find someone who compliments you, someone who you get along with, not someone to worship.

-Communication is the most important thing. Someone upfront is good, give them the same respect.



2. Think s/he will "change" for the better after you commit/have sex/get married? Nope.



"A guy/girl can be anything you want for up to six months. After that you will both revert to your normal states. Just be ready."


Know how to recognize signs of insanity and asshole-ery and try to pay attention even though you're peering through the haze of infatuation/lust/lonliness.



Love is an addiction, literally. Your body is conditioned to make you feel good when you are with that person. When that person isn't near, you go in withdrawal. To get over it the quickest, you need to go cold turkey. Saving letters, pictures, phone numbers is like saving a can of beer as a recovering alcoholic 'for old time's sake'.



A break means, I am looking for someone better you'll do until then.



Never get into a long distance relationship. Under no circumstances. Ever. Don't even think about it. I'm talking to you. Stop it. Now. You're wasting your time.

I don't care how much in love you think you are, the plain fact is that there's a difference between loving someone and loving the thought of someone.

The 'relationship' you have over the phone or internet or email or over AIM only seems real because you want it to be. You don't know that person. Sure, you know what his/her favorite color is, what band they rock out to- but all you 'see' is what they want you to see. You don't know them when they get a temper. You don't know them when they get upset. You don't know how well he or she gets along with her family, or what odd personality quirks she or he has. There's a lot you will never know... until you meet her/him. By then, you've invested way too much of your time and/or money to get to this point.

Long distance relationships are the ultimate measure of convenience. You don't have to get off your ass ever. You don't have to talk to them if you want, you don't have to face them if you fuck up. You never, ever have to manage your time with that person at all.

You may think you're romantic or love that person, but really you're just a lazy fuck. The world is outside your doorstep, not on AIM.

I don't care if it's working out for you. I don't care if you know people it's worked for. Stop.



Someone who's emotionally distant with you will not improve over the next six years.



If you're not feeling 100% about the girl in the first couple dates, forget the whole thing.




NEVER BE WITH SOMEONE JUST TO BE WITH SOMEONE. Don't setttle for a relationship that you're not happy with. It will fuck you up and you'll have no life. If you're afraid of being alone, you don't deserve to be with someone anyway. Well, anyone worth being with. Think about that.



1. Don't act like someone you're not when you're trying to get with a girl. If you succeed, you will either have to continue the exhausting facade forever or drop it, at which point your relationship will crumble. And it isn't her fault, because she was attracted to someone that you made her think was you, when it wasn't.

2. Don't lavish gifts and favors on a girl to get her to go out with you. Even if she's not a golddigger, it'll be something of a shock when you stop doing it. Unless you're comfortable with hemmhoraging money forever. If you ask the girl you've been dating for a month and a half if she minds splitting the check and she gives you a look that feels like a stab wound, GET OUT NOW.

3. Don't date people who are clinically depressed. Just don't.



Religion kills relationships. Doesn't matter how much you love each other, or how perfect you otherwise are for each other. If your religions aren't at the very least compatible, the relationship will not last.



Here's a golden tip: Don't consider marriage the epitome, end-all and ultimate goal of your romantic life. Especially if you can't even support yourself yet. And don't ever get married expecting someone to support your ass, cause you never know when they'll get tired of it.



Relationships end. Out of all the relationships you have in your lifetime, only ONE of them ins't going to "end". This is an especially important lesson to learn at a young age. No relationship that ends has to be your last, and very likely any relationship you start before the age of 25 is going to end at some point.

This isn't neccisarily a bad thing. When you come to terms with the fact that relationships are temporary, you no longer fear breakups or feel bad when it happens, and you can see your relationships for what they are and enjoy them for that.



- If a guy/girl spills all of their emotional baggage in your lap within weeks (or even months) of you knowing them, he/she is not "an open book". They are insane. Point them to the nearest psychiatrist and exit stage left, posthaste.

- As simple as it is, and it's been covered already, but no one is perfect. If you see your significant other as perfect, you are in love with an illusion, a figment of your imagination and have blinded yourself to the reality at hand. For whatever reason, your fucked up little head is saying "perfect" and not seeing your S.O. for who they really are. Either figure out why, or get yourself some help.

- Some people are just broken. There's nothing you can do for them. Sever all ties, and move along. Do not even attempt to repair them. You are in a relationship. You are not a mechanic fixing a car.

- Don't be a vindictive asshole when severing a relationship. How do I know this? I'm a vindictive asshole. Every time I have broken up with someone in a shitty manner, it has come back to bite me on the ass.

- People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, or whatever that saying is. If you are the root cause of the break-up (i.e. you did something stupid), don't try to pin it on your ex when someone asks about why you 2 broke up. It can only end poorly, and with you looking like even more of an asshole.

- Don't listen to stories about your significant other unless the person telling you is reliable, trustworthy, has been a friend for a long time, and it is not based on 3rd-party input (i.e. they actually saw it with their own eyes). If someone that you barely know comes up to you and says "I hate to tell you this, but I saw making out with some other guy at Jesse's party.", try to find a reliable resource to corroborate (sp?) the story. If you can't, there's a good chance that there is an alterior motive for telling you such a thing. Do NOT let emotions take over and confront your significant other based on such information. It can easily ruin a good thing and shows a complete lack of trust, as well as your immaturity.



I've been in a relationship for the last 2.5 years, and I've learned so much that looking back, it probably my first "serious" relationship. Used to be that I'd just end things when it got to the "we need to have a talk" point. Once you learn how to communicate and be respectful, those "talks" actually make sense.

Unless you're in that six month period that someone described as the Cinderella period (oh god that's so true), your significant other probably don't feel like being supportive or cheering you up if you're just going to shrug your shoulders at them and answer every question with a nondescript "hmmm" that could be "yes" or "no" or "telescope". They're not going to waste the energy of being that funny outgoing person that you enjoy being around if they feel the effort is wasted.

Respect, respect, respect. You get what you give. Take a long hard look at yourself and what you bring to the table. It's not that he doesn't notice you've been putting on a little weight, it's that he hopes YOU notice and he's not going to make you feel bad by pointing it out. Nobody is as subtle as they think they are, and if they *do* say something about something that bothers them, it's not because they just thought of it. It's because they've been thinking about it for weeks/months and it bothers them so much that subtle hints aren't' working.



Remember, your significant other isn't the only person you have to go out and see. Before you had him/her, you had friends. You can spend time with them too.





Don't stick with someone because that someone claims he/she is "lost" without you and starts making silly threats like "I will hurt myself if you leave me!". Just get out of such an relationship fast. Don't look back.



- Don't return an "I love you" unless you really mean it, even if it means saying "thanks". Not only are you displaying fake affection, but you'll make the other person think that you actually love them when you don't. That shit sucks, trust me.

- If you're only a few months into the relationship, and she says anything involving the keywords, "Our kids" and "should or "will" run very very far away

- If one of her ex's keeps bugging her (ie. he cries to her, sends her various gifts when there's no occassion, in short- does everything within his power to win her back) while you're going out and she doesn't tell him to bugger off, reconsider your relationship. Is a girl like that worth stressing over, that much?

- If she constantly brags about her ability to tell the truth and be "up front no matter what", she's a liar and has trouble telling the truth




-If a person cheats on you once, that's it. No second chances, no matter how great they are. If they don't have the balls to break up with you before they do it, or they get drunk and make a "mistake", fuck them. You have better things to do with your time.

-Like others have said, don't be friends with someone if you want to be with them. Doesn't work, you will be the person they call up at 1 am.

-Hey, if you don't find you attractive, don't be suprised if no one else does either. You are however allowed to be suprised if someone does find your ugly ass attractive, but they could be crazy, or needing a skin suit.

-If you went out with a person for 3 and 1/2 years, don't expect to be able to pull off the fuck buddies thing. You will not be a strong enough person to pull it off.

-If you went out with a person for 3 and 1/2 years, don't fuck them every time you get drunk while you're single.

-Don't go for your friend's SO's, even after they break up, otherwise you're an asshole. There are so many people on this Earth, would it really hurt you to cross them off your list? (I'm an asshole, and I'm sorry.)

-Testicular fortitude is important in landing a person. If you like them, ask them out for a date. But have something to do when you ask. Have a plan.

-If you don't really like them, the quicker you get out the better. Seriously. Its not worth it, not even if you make them happy. Just get out and tell them the truth. That you're an asshole who wanted someone around because you were lonely and you thought you could pull it off being with them but turns out you can't. (I'm an asshole.)



1) Trust, but verify. Knowledge is power, and not knowing shit can hurt you sometimes. I am not advocating being a suspicious bastard that double checks everything your chick does, but there is nothing wrong with verifying what you are told every once in a while. If she has a problem with it or starts blabbing shit about her privacy, tell that bitch to step and move on. Anyone who cares about you will willingly trade a little privacy to help you feel good about the trust factor in your relationship. If your girl has passwords out the ass on her computer, a journal that she hides when you are over, and is generally secretive - you're asking for trouble.

2) Sometimes it's worse to try and understand. I've seen some bad shit happen to both girl and guy friends, hell, I've been fucked over a time or two. I have found that sometimes you don't really want to know why things worked out the way they did. You don't want to know why your boyfriend was cheating on you with your best friend. You don't want to know why or how your girlfriend could steal from you. You won't always understand or accept what has happened to you at the end of a relationship, so just recognize this and skip the evaluation phase at the end. Just say "fuck it" and move on as best you can.

3) Always take care of number 1 first. This is probably the most important rule. You are the only person that can guarantee will look out for you and your interests. Don't ever sacrifice or make yourself unhappy for the benefit of a girlfriend/boyfriend.



Here's a positive note: every disaster is a lesson learned, and a step towards something better.



I firmly believe that you have to have the fucked up relationships in order to appreciate and understand what a healthy relationship actually is.

This is also why you date around when you're younger and why you shouldn't get too attached around 18-21. You simply don't have enough experience to know what works and what doesn't. If you couldn't get married until 24 I think things would be slightly better.



-The standard for measuring how much commitment you want to make should be proportionate to how well you can see yourself growing with them. You two may get along brilliantly at first, but people can and will change over time. While there isn't a way of knowing, the more you learn about her should give you a good idea of the directions she could be heading in. If it's not looking like a path you could see yourself happy living with (that is not to say the same path you're heading down), consider breaking it off very soon.

-Being in a relationship is not a license to look like a loser and expect her to still love you for it. That's not to say that you can't show more imperfection around them, but becoming a social recluse or focusing on all your childhood issues now that "somebody's there" to help you will only get her sick of you quicker.

-A relationship ends once one of you keeps it that way. Once you've been the person who doesn't let go, you'll understand how important it is to be the person who just walks away and doesn't look back.

-Never modify your plans for the future because of someone unless both her plan and yours can coincide with minimal compromise.




The best treatment you're going to receive in a relationship, is the worst you'll put up with.

If you go out to eat and your date is shitty to the server, that's how you'll be getting treated down the road.

If your s.o. does something that seems disrespectful to you and you don't let them know ASAP, you have revoked your rights on receiving their respect. Handling your emotions like that means you ARE a doormat.

If a guy spends assloads of money on you early in a relationship, he's doing so because there are more important things he can't/won't give you.

Let someone go before you come to hate them.

Barring your s.o. from having opposite gender friends will not keep them from cheating on you.

Never, never settle. Being alone is more honorable than wasting someone else's and your own time.




Meet his mother as soon as possible. It's not ALWAYS true that he will look for qualities in you that his mother exhibits. However, how he treats his mother is how he will, eventually, treat you. Fucked up dysfunctional families aside, a guy's relationship with his mother is the blueprint for his relationships with all other women.

If he gets disgusted with her, yells at her, calls her a nag or a bitch, expect to be in those shoes at some point.

If he relies on her for everything and can't make a decision without her input, expect to be another mother for him, or, worse yet, compete for his attention and be seen as an evil bitch by his mother.

If he ignores her, expect to be ignored.

Look for a guy that thinks his mom is peachy, calls her once a week, but deftly avoids telling her about all the times he's fucked up as an adult (drugs, other things moms would prefer not knowing about) and doesn't expect her to bail him out if he gets in trouble. He should also foster and promote a healthy relationship between the two of you. If she doesn't like you, it's highly possible that your relationship is doomed unless you find out why she doesn't like you, and if it's possible to fix that.




If a person is not inherently intellectually curious, with ambitions beyond conforming to cultural norms, you'll come to loathe them, unless, of course, you're a similar person, in which case you may enjoy your 30 year mortgage and your three drooling monkies.



If a guy tells you "we're not right for each other", listen to him. He's probably right. Don't waste three+ years of your life trying to prove him otherwise. The same applies to "I don't love you and I never will".

If you convince yourself that a guy would never want to be with you (despite having no evidence to back it up), it will probably become a self-fullfilling prophecy.

A guy telling you that he is "dating around" or "not looking for something serious" or "unable to emotionally invest" means that you don't mean much more to him than a friend or a fuck, so stop hoping for more.

If a guy flakes on you twice in a row and doesn't return your phone calls, he's not interested (no matter how into you he seemed to be when you had his dick in your mouth).




TRUST YOUR GUT! Your head and your heart [I think he's referring to heart=romance, not the heart=intuition that we refer to] are WRONG. The gut is the most accurate, and yet is given the least amount of consideration when in these situations.



The end of a relationship is not the end of the world. Sometimes people just outgrow each other and that's okay.

If a person breaks up with you, sure it'll suck. But you need to put your energy into getting over it, not scheming about how to win him/her back. Concentrate on yourself for a while.

If you aren't happy with yourself, you're not going to be an attractive dating candidate. Don't think for one moment that a boyfriend/girlfriend is going to "complete you" or some such nonsense. Conversely, if you ARE happy with yourself, you'll be more confident and people will naturally be attracted to that.

Everyone likes feeling they are special. Don't forget to remind your partner of this frequently. The longer you are in a relationship, the easier it is to forget to be kind, adoring, and appreciative.

If you cheat or are thinking about cheating, you're pretty much done with your partner. Usually a person cheats because they are bored/dissatisfied with their current relationship so, if you're planning on cheating, just break up and avoid hurting their feelings any more than you have to.

Try not to be petty when breaking up, no matter how good it'll feel.



If it hasn't happened within a few months, it's probably not going to happen at all.



-See eye to eye on drugs, smoking, drinking, etc.



If you drink a decent amount, like lets say a college student who gets drunk some weekends, DON'T date a girl who doesn't drink. Unless you're an amazingly responsible drunk and she doesn't care one bit that you drink. Otherwise you're screwed.



Love doesn't come on a schedule. Just because you decide at age 30 that it's time to settle down, it may be another 10 or 15 year or more before the right person shows up. If the right person shows up when you're 18 or 20, you've got to have your eyes open and grab the chance. You can't force a relationship that fundmentally isn't there, but it's stupid to throw one away just because you think you're not ready for it. You're never ready for it. It's always mind-boggling when it hits you.



Know when things are good. It's okay to step back from your relationship and realize things are going well. You're never going to find anyone who wants to play Halo as much as you do, or who likes all the same music you like, et cetera, and things will never be perfect, no matter what. But keep in mind that there will be the things that you like about your relationships and things you don't like. The trick is to find a situation where things are better than they are worse.



If she says that she has committment problems on the second date, it's probably not a good idea to keep going.







You and your girlfriend don't have to have the same hobbies, and you shouldn't look for a girl on the basis of "OMG she reads comics and plays video games!" How the two of you feel about things like sex, dating, religion, the acceptability of drug/alcohol use, how you spend your money, and what you expect from a relationship are a lot more important. It's also not really that important for her to love your friends, either. It's a problem if she hates your friends, but your friends don't have to become her friends, or vice versa.



Before you get serious with someone, take note of how they treat strangers during times that test one's patience (late for the movie, can't find parking, waiter is late with food, car ahead of you hasn't noticed that the light turned green). How well do they handle it? How well do they handle obnoxious strangers? Do they act like the bigger person or do they throw fuel on the fire?



Relax in the sex department.

not every time you stick slot A in slide B does it have to be rainbows and fairies and leaping unicorns.

My husband was hinting at wanting a blow job the other day. I asked him if he wanted to make out first or I should just start. He said he could do without the frenching.

Define your own sense of romance. The chocolate / flower / cards / gifts bullshit is all made up social rules bs. Hell I find it romantic if the guy changes a diaper every once in a while.