So here is my experience with Adult FriendFinder. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and the frightening.


Okay, so I, for several not-so-serious reasons, last week, decided to sign up for AdultFriendFinder.com, a site that allows people to find other people for the express purpose of fucking them.

I tell Alex about it, who proceeds to laugh hysterically, call me desperate, and otherwise berate me for my stupidity. I agree, fuckin' funny. But by the time we get back from dinner, I've already got a message from somebody. On campus.

So I message her, with Alex sitting next to me, bouncing 'cuz she can't wait to see how big of a fool I play. Chick doesn't have a clue who I am. "From AFF." "whats that" "Uh, yeah, this must be the wrong screen name; sorry." "oh is that the adultfriend thingy" She's clearly a bright one. You can guess how thrilled I am at this point. "so whats ur name" Shit. "Yeah, let's not go there." "oh ur no fun" Alex prods me. Go on, just tell her your name. I continue to protest. "i figure is as arbitrary as meeting peepl other places" "Yeah, you're prolly right." Alex: Just tell her, dammit! Me: No, I don't wanna! Alex: You probably already know her. Me: That's the problem. Alex: Come on. "Ryan Barnard. What's yours" "i dont have one" Oh. Shit.

I'm panicked. She has my name. She goes to Elon. Alex's roaring with laughter. I'm fucked, no other way to put it. Fucked. "Come on, it's only fair." "i told u i dont have a name" Other people come into the room. What's so funny, Alex? I decide to defuse it first: "So I signed up for this thing.....and now she has my name." A collective "HOLY SHIT" followed by insane laughing echoes far into the night. No name; she still won't budge. "so from ur phone number, i guess you live in danieley" She has my phone number??? At least she's stupid. "Good guess. What's your name" Prod. Prod. Prod. Finally. "Catherine Zeta-Jones." (I told you I changed the names :-P) Hyphenated. Sophisticated family or Wish-I-Was-Rich trash? Prolly the latter. Nobody in the room knows the name. I find out where she lives. She gets the general idea of where I live. "Computer Science and Math. You?" "exercise sci and spanish minor" Alyssa: Did she say spanish? Me: Yes. Alyssa: Oh SHIT! I know her!!!!!!!!

Alyssa literally cannot contain herself and falls on the floor, almost convulsing in hysterics. Alex, who by this time is almost sobbing with laughter and has tears streaming down her face decides she just can't take it anymore and leaves. Alyssa: If she's who I think she is, you don't want that. She shudders. I look back to the screen. "it doesn't have to be an online relationship if you dont want it to" Uh-oh. We scramble for yearbooks. 2002-2003: nothing. 2001-2002: nothing. I have a crowd by now. "sorry i am so stupid tonight lol" Can't help what you are. "so you just want to know me to fuck me, right" Not so much, honey. The freshman face-finder. (Don't ask) Zanger. Zelland. Zeta-Jones. Not so bad. To Alex, on IM: "We have a pic." Thunderous footsteps down the hall. She looks. "EWWW!!!!!!!" I guess I don't have her approval. I end the conversation with her. Alyssa agrees to check her out in class on Thursday. Thursday afternoon. She tells me she wants to talk to me. "She's a dog. She's a whale. She's...shit. You don't want that. You realllllly don't want that." Thursday night. I get an IM. "so how are you doing do you want to get 2gether" Oh. Fuck.

True story.