It's not what people say, it's what they do.

I'm not offended when somebody says something rude to me--whatever, it's just words, and, usually it's something somebody said in error or just in an overbroad generalization or otherwise not meant to be an asshole. But when a supposed friend suggests for several days that we go to dinner together on particular evening, and then goes with other people, that's really fucking rude.

She said that she tried to call me--which is quite believable given the reliability of cell networks--but even so, she should have told the other people that she had made an arrangement with somebody else. She'd be pissed as hell if somebody did this to her, I'm sure. It reminds me of little kids who go play with one friend and then ditch that friend for another friend.

And truthfully, I'm not hurt really hurt by it. I've always known her to be a simpleton, unable to place herself in other people's positions while making decisions. I'm really mostly annoyed. I ate a small lunch because I know she likes to eat early. I made sure that I got back from my (horrible) trip in time. I ensured that my cell was on and not on silent so that if something happened and she tried to call, I'd get it. And then I get back. And wait. And wait. And wait. And then hear from somebody else that she went to dinner with the other group.

Whatever.

Death soon, please?

Christianity.

If you haven't invited Jesus into your heart, you go to hell? If you have, you go to heaven.

Consider this. A saved, Christian woman bears a child. A year later, the child dies. The child was old enough to have committed sin (for those who don't buy into the whole original sin thing) but not old enough to have comprehended what it would mean to become a Christian. The child goes to hell. The mother dies some years later and goes to heaven.

What worse torture can there be than to be sitting pretty up in heaven and watching your child suffer in hell? But isn't heaven supposed to be perfect? How can it be perfect if you're up in heaven as miserable as you can possibly be? So maybe, somehow, God convinces you that your innocent little baby deserves to be tortured for all eternity.

Either way, sounds to me like God once again appears to be a manipulative fucking asshole, and I for one want no part in him.

Thank goodness I'm an atheist, right? :-)

I've been considered mature for my age for most of my life. Because of that, I think I missed out on that period of life where one can be stupid and make mistakes and just learn from them with no severe repercussions. I sorta just bypassed that in order to avoid letting everyone down. And now it's coming back to haunt me. I'm fucked up in so many ways, and yet they all seem trivial: they're the things that high schoolers and middle schoolers struggle with. To anyone on the outside looking in to my pitiful life, it's like "that's all? Pussy." Yeah, I guess that is all. Amazing how one's mind can distort the scope of things. To you, they're trivial issues that you dealt with back when you were still worrying about whether or not Mary Jane would go to the dance with you, fretting over the eighty-fifth pimple on your face, and upset because mom said your curfew was 10 instead of 11 like everyone else. To me they're the source of profound pain. I don't know how to deal with it myself. I just want to die. But like you said, I'm a pussy. I won't go through with it. I'm on autopilot: everything I do is just automatic for me. I never leave my comfort zone. I never do anything I wouldn't expect myself to do. I struggle with the same fears and the same senseless inhibitions everyday just because I'm too goddamn lazy to do anything about it.

I care to the point that I want to kill myself, and yet I don't care enough to follow a step-by-step, day-by-day month-long program for starting to get over this. I'm a pitiful waste of resources.

I think I should just go hide in a bush.

I have the means, the drive, and the motivation to end my life fairly easily and painlessly. But those few people who do still love me keep me here. And I hate it here so much that it drives me to hate you all.